You
will think why
I am telling
you this? Well, I can
talk to my friends
and relatives. Half of
them will just
feel as helpless
as I am,
the other half
will say “You are
a physician, you know everything,
you should be
stronger.” I don’t want
either. I am
going to post
this, one because none
of them read
blogs or anything
and secondly because I have
to keep myself
occupied to be sane.
But
talking to you
guys? I could
be talking to
God or the
winds or the
sun or the walls
or to you.
Not because you
won’t feel for me but
because I can
tell you this
without felling like
a spineless idiot…..or
I don’t know
what but I
hope you understand.
I can say
whatever I want
yet not say it. It’s
like talking to
myself yet letting
out the pain. I
hope you get
it.
I
still remember the
first time I
told him, “I want to be a
writer.”
He
said, “What? Why can’t
you do what
you are doing?” he
didn’t say it
but shouted it
out as loud
as he could.
It was like
a rushing freight
train suddenly honking in
your ears. You
turn to see
and hope you
are not in its
powerful
path. Thank God you
are still alive!
It’s that massive ,
that powerful. I
had felt just
like that when I
heard my dad holler
that fine day. My
heart had leapt
into my mouth. That
kind of bombastic voice
he had.
Today
I went to
see him inside
that icy chilling
ICCU and know
what, he whispered. I
could barely hear
him. It was just
breath going in and out.
I
know things are
inaudible at times. Like
in a big city.
People can’t hear
their own heart
beat and you
feel invisible. But this
whisper? It made me
feel like shit. He
is sleeping…drowsy with
the medicines being
pumped into him…..under
the white bed
sheets. The whole place
looks ominous and he
looks pale and
small and so
fragile.
I
have never ever
felt this disgustingly
helpless. And I am a physician!
Nature
and it’s stooges
have that kind of
vile power. To make you
fell like a
maggot. So small
that you are
invisible till you
can fell the
smell of a
powerful disinfectant. Not capable
of anything but
crawling though dead
decaying matter trying
to live one
moment at a
time.
You
know, through fifteen years
of experience as
a physician I have seen
many many patients, thousands of
them, some come
in bad shape
and go back
fine. Some look
almost fine holding
on to some
inner will power
yet don’t make
it beyond the
walls. Men, woman,
children….sometimes it is
frustrating …so frustrating that
there have been
times when I wanted
to give up
being a doctor
altogether. Something out there
always made me feel I was
just a puppet.
Sometimes it felt like I
was
sitting in a
white coat fighting the
inevitable death…never winning
just barely postponing the
end.
But
today I know
even though I might
not win over
death, postponing
will do. I am
fine with all
the postponing possible.
I am
praying to God, “Postpone
the end. Please.”
And well, I
am posting you
this because I have
to keep myself occupied , just so I don't panic or behave like an idiot.
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